If I had to pick one word to describe the majority of the 66th Annual Golden Globes, I’d have to go with “drab.” There were a few surprises, and very few “sure things” in any category – even so, there was very little to get excited about. Blogger Nick Plowman of Fataculture put it thusly, in his Globes prediction article:

After its unavoidable departure into actual redundancy last year, there is no doubt in my mind that this year the [Hollywood Foreign Press Association] are going to suffuse their telecast with as much star power as is physically possible – which is the only reason one ought to watch it in the first place. It doesn’t help, however, that this year’s awards race is blindingly mundane even though it is very much an insecure deal.

Maybe it’s just that we don’t care about entertainment as much this year, after a country-changing and culture-defining election. Maybe it’s that we’re all distracted by the losses of our jobs and health insurance and retirement funds. But whatever the reason, this year’s Globes just didn’t seem that important.

In an effort to make things a little more interesting for those of you who (wisely) skipped the show, I’d like to offer up my own useless, irrelevant awards.

And the awards are…

Biggest “Whaaaa?”

The awarding of Best Actress – Drama Series to Anna Paquin of the inexplicable hit True Blood left me, and many others, going “whaaaa?” Sure, True Blood is a fun little show, but its critical success – and subsequent win at the Globes – is baffling. There’s so much not to like about the Southern vamp melodramedy, but Hollywood seems blind to its faults. What’s with that? Many pros predicted the win, but I still can’t quite wrap my head around the snubbing of industry favorite Mad Men (the wonderfully-named January Jones was nominated). The Hollywood reaction to True Blood is almost as strange as the show itself.

Biggest “No Duh”

Heath Ledger had to win Best Supporting Actor. The Dark Knight, indisputably the biggest and most-talked-about movie last year, was otherwise snubbed at the Globes. Why, I don’t know. But with the combined power of a single nomination and his unfortunate passing, Heath Ledger was a lock for this year. Director Chris Nolan accepted the award on his behalf, and everyone had a very bittersweet moment.

Runner Up: Slumdog Millionaire for Best Picture – Drama.

Biggest “Ahhh”

The most refreshing moment of this year’s awards came with 30 Rock‘s win for Best Series – Musical or Comedy. They decided to let Tracy Morgan do the acceptance speech, which turned out to be a great choice. He was exuberant, funny, and sincere – it’s a sure thing, like putting a cute kid onstage. In a show drowning in its own pomp and circumstance, with far too many winners shaking in their fancy shoes, Morgan was unrehearsed and charming.

Runner-Up: Tina Fey‘s acceptance speech for Best Actress in a TV Series – Musical or Comedy, in which she invited several amateur Internet critics to “suck it.”

Biggest “Will You Just Calm Down Already?”

Look, they’re awards. They’re just…awards, and they’re really not worth hyperventilating over. This year’s hysterics came from Kate Winslet, during both Best Supporting Actress and plain old Best Actress (The Reader and Revolutionary Road, respectively). She panted, squealed, and tremored her way through two repetitive acceptance speeches, and it wasn’t until the second one that the audience began to titter sympathetically. Acceptance speeches should never be met with stony silence.

Runner Up: Kate had no competition in this regard.

Biggest Landslide

Slumdog Millionaire won in every nominated category. It wasn’t too much of a surprise, given that critics have been raving about it since it first hit the festival circuit, but I thought the reason they had multiple categories was so multiple people could actually win some awards. Or maybe Slumdog Millionaire is just that good. The jury’s still out.

Runner Up: In TV, 30 Rock cleaned up very nicely too. Now if only that translated to ratings…apparently, people would rather watch teams of smartmouthed detectives solving murders on CBS.

Biggest “Blah”

None of the nominees for Best Original Song sounded any good to me. Maybe movies just aren’t bothering with catchy theme songs anymore, but the choices this year were particularly bland – Bruce Springsteen walked away with the Globe, which is nice in principle, but I don’t really like Bruce Springsteen that much.

All things considered, it was a pretty bleak show. The celebrities schmoozed and mingled and didn’t engage much with the actual ceremony, and even some of the presenters treated it as a joke (see Rainn Wilson’s teleprompter gag “and the Golden Globe goes to…open envelope, read name”). Within the industry, the Globes are well-known and interesting, but to most of the buying public, they’re indistinguishable from the rest of Hollywood’s self-indulgent pageantry.

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