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Chuck Norris Can Divide By Zero (And Lead Texas)

Chuck Norris is one of those actors whose popularity as a cult icon has far surpassed his actual claim to fame (acting, in case you’ve forgotten). After his role as Walker, Texas Ranger, he became known as the ultimate tough guy. People started coming up with sayings - things like “Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.” or “There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.” Before long, “Chuck Norris Facts” became an internet phenomenon. When 24’s Jack Bauer gained popularity, many of the same facts were attributed to him. But Chuck Norris was always the original.

A lot of people don’t really know much about the real Chuck Norris, which is almost definitely in his favor. There is no way any human being could live up to the status of the imaginary Chuck Norris, who can build Rome in a day and roundhouse-kick you into yesterday. But now, he’s gone and ruined all that by blabbing to the media about his strange political aspirations. For those of you who don’t know, Chuck Norris has a regular column on World Net Daily, a site that prominently advertises a “New Survival Seed Bank” that “Lets You Plant A Full Acre Crisis Garden!” along with a book called “You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence, But You Can’t Make Him Think.” Norris’ latest column opens:

On Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, “I may run for president of Texas.”

That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.

Like many, Chuck Norris is concerned about our national debt.

Thomas Jefferson counseled us, “We must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.” Yet the Feds have just skyrocketed our national deficit and debt by trillions of dollars, and it plans much more fiscal expansion with few expectations of resistance. Despite that George Washington admonished, “To contract new debts is not the way to pay for old ones,” we keep borrowing and bailing, while we watch the stock market plunge further every time we do.

Presumably, his plan for eliminating debt involves a lot of hearty roundhouse kicks.

For those losing hope, and others wanting to rekindle the patriotic fires of early America, I encourage you to join Fox News’ Glenn Beck, me and millions of people across the country in the live telecast, “We Surround Them,” on Friday afternoon (March 13 at 5 p.m. ET, 4 p.m. CT and 2 p.m. PST). Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation. You can host or attend a viewing party by going to Glenn’s website. My wife Gena and I will be hosting one from our Texas ranch, in which we’ve invited many family members, friends and law enforcement to join us. It’s our way of saying “We’re united, we’re tired of the corruption, and we’re not going to take it anymore!”

Cell groups. Cell groups.

This is probably the best example yet of a minor celebrity using his fame to promote a questionable political ideal. It’s just hilarious and perfect in every way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go plant my emergency crops.

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