Hollywood is a twisty, thorny path, full of strange offshoots and career moves best forgotten.  This trait, so common to the field, gives us movie commentators lots and lots of fun things to talk about because EVERYBODY did crap movies before they were big.

I always said that Dean Venture was turning into a serious badass, but it came as a huge surprise to find that Mike Sinterniklaas, the distinctive voice behind Dean of The Venture Brothers, has a crap movie of his own, a little-known horror flick called “Flesh for the Beast”.

The plot of “Flesh for the Beast” is something else, that’s for sure–basically Mike and company are a group of paranormal investigators / filmmakers investigating a house that was formerly the home of an occultic whorehouse owner who of course died under mysterious circumstances and left behind a whole lot of spooky stuff, including hot chick vampires, madmen with secrets, and of course, zombies, zombies, zombies.  Who makes it out alive and who becomes titular flesh for the equally titular beast?  Stay tuned.

I confess, I had the most fun when one of the investigators looks around as his surroundings and chuckles grimly, saying, “I could make a pretty decent horror flick in here.”  Or, you know, you could just do like the filmmakers did here and make a spectacularly lousy one.  And when I say spectacularly lousy, I don’t mean it in the sense that it’s a very high level of lousy, I mean it in the rather unusual sense that it is, indeed, a spectacle of lousiness.  It is horrible filmmaking taken to its most logical extreme.  It is Uwe Boll times A BILLION.

It’s not bad in the Ulli Lommel sense, where it looks unfinished and slapdash.  Rather, it’s bad in the Bad Taste sense, where it looks like it’s actively gunning for bad, but at the same time taking itself a bit seriously.  It’s a bad movie no matter how you slice it, but there’s a value in the unintentional humor the movie has to offer.  I just wish I knew if they were gunning for a bad movie or not…that’d definitely explain a lot.

The actors spend half their time on screen looking like they’re having seizures, with constant shaking, shuddering, and jerking around in the throes of passion, possession or being eaten.  Not to mention the gypsy’s accent, which is a laugh riot.  The plot is so packed with holes you could strain pasta with it, and the effects are straight out of the gore-for-gore’s-sake school of filmmaking.

That and we’re clearly being distracted by boobs and blood and boobs covered WITH blood and of course Mike Sinterniklaas, who actually made this movie in 2003, the same year as the first season of The Venture Brothers.  Stranger still, this is one of the only–according to the IMDB–actual appearance of the full Sinterniklaas.  He’s primarily a voice actor, according to his filmography, along with being the founder of the NYAV Post recording studio.  What exactly got him into this is beyond me; his part is a bit with a capitol BIT.  Oh, yeah…his sex scene–yes of COURSE he has a sex scene–is just spectacularly awkward.  He gets bitch-slapped.  Twice.

It’s kind of sad to see a solid voice actor like Mike Sinterniklaas–we ALL love Venture Brothers out here on Kwanzoo–get involved with the cheesiest kind of horror craptacular–but I think we can all forgive.

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