I really don’t like reality TV.

Starting things out like that may make you wonder, why am I going to write about something I hate so much?  Well, to be honest with you, most of the problem I have with reality TV is that the reality it portrays is a really unpleasant one.

I hate spending time with the Hogans.  Frankly, I wouldn’t want to bump into ANY of that horrible brood in a restaurant let along go hang out at their house for an hour every week.  Same goes for the freaking Osbournes.

Even watching Scream Queens on VH1 rubs me the wrong way because every time Shawnee Smith talks I nearly choke on my rage because SHE IS NOT A FREAKING SCREAM QUEEN.   Jamie Lee Curtis, there’s a scream queen.  Tiffany Shepis, same.  Lin Shaye, Julie Strain, Brinke Stevens, Eliza Dushku…any ONE of these is more a scream queen than a dozen Shawnee Smiths, whose big memorable role would still be alongside Ted Danson if she hadn’t blundered into Saw.  Seriously.  Take a look at her career–her actual “horror” roles are few and far between. Those roles she actually HAS are mostly bit parts.

Maybe SHE thinks that “Waitress” in Episode 3 of the “The Shining” miniseries on ABC is the acme of horror film achievement.

I, on the other hand, believe it is a steaming pantload.

Oh, and yes, she WAS Julie Lawry for like fifteen minutes in “The Stand”, so I guess that qualifies as SOMETHING.

But anyway.  I hate reality tv, with only a very few exceptions.  I was one of those who watched Who Wants To Be A Superhero?.  Oh, sure, Stan Lee clearly starts his day with a big brimmin’ bowl of Crazy Flakes but I have to be honest…watching all those people try to be a super hero was downright fun. That’s a reality that makes more sense to me, and a reality I wouldn’t mind being in on!

And I’ve found my new alternate reality in the form of the Sci-Fi Channel (yeah, the SCI-FI CHANNEL!) and its new reality / game show, Estate of Panic.

For those of you who haven’t seen it–and I recommend it without reservation–Estate of Panic is an hourlong trip into a mansion in a serious state of disrepair inhabited by a colossal prick (played more than ably by Steve Valentine, whom you might well recognize from a WHOLE LOT OF TV) and his butler.  The house is jammed full of cash in the most random places–buried under floorboards, frozen in blocks of ice (those making jokes about cold hard cash, you are not alone), hidden in planters and wine bottles, and the list goes on.  Each week, a handful of people rummage through the various rooms of the house in search of the cash therein, taking on a variety of obstacles (which seem mostly limited to snakes, maggots and live electrical wires for the first few episodes) and trying to NOT be one of two things: the last one out of a room, who gets locked in the room in question, and the one who comes out of the room with the least money, who is then disqualified from future play.  The winner of the room search goes on to the house’s vault and a series of handicaps therein (so far including having various body parts placed in shackles and being hooked to the ceiling via a harness) for a shot at all the money collected that evening.  By everybody.

Estate of Panic is extremely fun to watch mostly because of the rooms.  Every week, there’s something new to see.  Whether they’re rummaging through cheese and wine bottles to find money in a cellar with a spike wall, or stepping lightly on a floor made of glue in the kitchen, the challenges keep coming hard and fast.  And watching these people duke it out for cash?  Great fun.

The kind of fun I want in on!  Sci-Fi Channel, call me!  I’ll go out for that one in a heartbeat.

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