Let me level with you up front, folks…I love John Carpenter movies and I hate Rob Zombie movies. John Carpenter is responsible for some of the best, brightest, most original movies ever seen by man.

Rob Zombie, meanwhile, is a second-rate schlock monger and exploitation specialist extraordinaire whose work would’ve been innovative back around 1974, when The Texas Chainsaw Massacre first came out.

So when I found out that Rob Zombie was going to remake John Carpenter’s seminal film, Halloween, I confess to some trepidation. Frankly, if House of 1000 Corpses was any indication Rob Zombie couldn’t film make his way out of a paper sack.

Needless to say, my worst suspicions were confirmed as I watched the debacle that Rob Zombie had made of Halloween.

An Open Letter To Mister Rob Zombie.

Mister Zombie. Can I call you Rob? No? Well, tough.

I would slap you if you were in easy reach and couldn’t sue me into oblivion.

You took a classic figure of horror movies, no less a personage than Michael Myers himself, a figure of true horror, and reduced him to a child welfare case.

Let me explain just one thing to you, you hack. Michael Myers was scary because he was random. There was no reason for him to one day, at his tender age, snap and run amok, killing everyone and everything in sight. There were six other films that tried to pin down just why, and they only vaguely managed to figure it out.

You have spat on the entire Halloween line, rendering them invalid by explaining from the very beginning what it was that made Michael a killing machine. Worse, you have singlehandedly destroyed an entire continuity by taking its focus and turning him into one of your cheesy Firefly brood, you incoherent lounge act, and for that, you are beneath my contempt.

And if you’re out to spend some time with the one true Halloween itself, come on over to our Halloween movie trivia!

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