Yes, it’s that time of the week again – specifically, the time of the week when the week has ended and I get to round up all the awesome and terrible celebrity news that’s haunted us for the past seven days. SEVEN DAYS. SEVEN DAYS.
Anyway.
Ashton Kutcher‘s ex-girlfriend has been brutally murdered! Well, some girl he dated once. And she was murdered in 2001. But they might have found the guy who did it, so that’s exciting news. It’s hard to 
remember a time when Ashton wasn’t with Demi “MILF” Moore, but apparently he used to date one Ashley Ellerin until she up and got herself killed. Back stroke of luck, that. Apparently, he “told police he went to pick up the fashion student-model for a post-Grammy Awards party, but she did not answer the door. He checked a back window and spotted what he thought were red wine stains on the carpet and then left. Her body was discovered the next day by a friend.” I dunno, I’d probably be a little more concerned by red stains on my girlfriend’s carpet. But hey. Those crazy wimmins with their wine-spillin’ ways, right?
Amy Winehouse, shockingly enough, has backed out of another obligation. She recently canceled a Paris
show on “short notice” after – get this – “falling ill.” Given how 2008 seems to be taking down celebrities like a wheat thresher, I am honestly surprised that the drug-addled 24-year-old is still with us. I guess it’s a testament to how much abuse the human body can take. Performing on stage is hard enough without having self-inflicted heart murmurs and lung diseases and God knows what else. PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE.
Michael Phelps is still America’s darling. After all, what’s not to love? Saturday Night Live, a show that now 
subsists week-to-week on audiences drawn in by famous and unfunny guest stars, has invited him to host their September 13th premier. Now, I’m not going to say that SNL is bad now, but I will say that the last time I caught some of it while channel surfing, I thought I was watching MADtv until I recognized Amy Poehler. So Michael Phelps should fit right in.
That’s pretty much it for this week, folks, which is great, because I’m out of time. Stay cool.
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