Whatever happened to Madonna and Guy Ritchie? It seems like only yesterday he was casting her in his BMW short film as an unbearably stuck-up diva. (Hmmm…) But, as you’ve heard, the couple is getting a divorce. Why, oh why, couldn’t they keep the fire alive?

Well, there are a lot of reasons why. As with any relationship, there were a lot of complicated nuances – like the fact that Madonna drew up a “marriage contract” based on the principles of Kabbalah, which, and I am honestly not trying to be judgmental here, is one of those nutty celebrity religions. According to The Sun:

It stated that Guy had to “work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing” and ordered him to devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge.

It even had instructions on what words Guy should use during rows “to resolve conflicts in a constructive way”.

Guy, 40, was instructed never to shout at Madge, 50, but instead look her in the eye and say: “I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this.”

The marriage rules said both parties must “devote time to our sexual expressiveness” and “not use sex as a stick to beat one another”.

These all sound like good ideas, I guess, but having it written up in contract form and posted on your wall is still pretty weird. And it gets worse:

Guy Ritchie claims his marriage to Madonna disintegrated when she started planning their sex life in her diary around her sessions in the gym.

The 50-year-old singer’s life was so regimented, he said, that even their time in the bedroom was meticulously planned for weeks in advance – something which took all of the thrill out of it for him.

And to make things worse, Kabbalah leaders are urging the couple to settle their divorce amicably and quickly in order to avoid negative publicity for the religion. Madonna recently called Ritchie, and they talked for the first time since the divorce was announced – reportedly, she urged him to let everything happen smoothly.

Now, I don’t know if all of this is true or not. But I do know that I have to applaud Ritchie for staying in it so long. In a sad sort of way.

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