So, it’s anime night on [adult swim]. Otherwise I’d just be watching Home Movies and The Oblongs like normal. And I have nothing in particular against anime, it’s just not my cup of tea. And so I find myself watching TMC, which, for some reason, has decided that Masters of Horror qualifies as a movie.

Tonight’s episode is called “We All Scream for Ice Cream,” which is an incredibly original and awesome title. I’m kidding, of course. It’s terrible. Anyway, our plot is all about a clown who sells ice cream and has no nose. I’m not making this up, really.

But before I get ahead of myself, let me begin at the beginning. “We All Scream” etc. was directed by Tom Holland, who I suppose qualifies as our Master of Horror this time around. He did direct Fright Night, so…I guess.

“We All Scream” opens with a boy eating an ice cream cone, which causes his father to melt into a puddle of flesh that vaguely resembles melted ice cream. OMG, I see where they’re going with this!

Children stand in the middle of the road flipping a quarter. A sinister voice talks about ice cream. An ugly, twisted version of an ice cream truck – festooned with Christmas tree lights for some reason – drives through a misty, dark road. Trouble is a-brewin’. Or a-freezin’, I guess.

Our story soon focuses down on a family, led bravely by two D-list actors, who at first appear to be innocent victims terrorized by the fact that their children are wandering out of the house at night and flipping coins. Rather than seeking the help of a sleep clinic, the husband decides to reminisce for ages about his childhood neighborhood and the ice cream-selling clown who was utterly obnoxious and corny. Of course, the neighborhood bully decides to torment him, which ultimately leads to the discovery that a) he has no nose, and b) he is incapable of dodging his own truck when it is rolling slowly down a hill towards him and he has ample time to get out of the way and NOT DIE.

I guess the movie would have been boring if he’d jumped aside.

So, to make a long story short, it becomes obvious that the dead clown has returned for REVENGE. For some reason, this revenge consists of feeding children ice cream that can kill their parents. I don’t get the connection, but okay.

Basically, everything about it is deplorable and stupid and not scary. I mean, seeing a person melt into ice cream is pretty gross, but it’s not gross enough to earn the name MASTERS OF HORROR.

On the plus side, it may be your only chance to hear an actor shout, “it ain’t a stretch to think that one of his wild sperms might have gotten away!”

That’s just good T.V.

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