All right, you popcorn sucking pigs! Put down that remote control! Put down those DVDs! That’s right–today you are gonna get exposed to some ACTUAL LITERATURE.

In the form of what sounds like a particularly cheesy movie.

You may be familiar with Ben Barnes by now if you’ve gone to the theatre and seen The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Then you’ll know how well Ben Barnes can act like a Castilian or possibly an Aragonite, but definitely something like a Spaniard. But will this ethnic exposure allow him to function as a Brit? Maybe, maybe not…but we’ll find out when he takes on The Picture of Dorian Gray.

Perhaps most interesting of all is how “all details on the film are being kept under lock and key”, and all that we know so far is that it’s to be a “visceral, dark horror story”. Well, it may help that Dorian Gray has existed for the last couple hundred years, give or take, as a character in a novel.

So allow me to blast the lid off the details behind held under lock and key by describing the plot of the source material, which, admittedly, may or may not mean anything against the movie.

Basically, a minor nobleman named Dorian Gray has a portrait of himself, but in a strange twist, the portrait ages instead of him. He discovers that the portrait also takes damage that he would ordinarily take, and thus sets out to live a lifestyle of lust, greed and excess that would make Caligula himself call for an intervention. After a long while of this, Dorian looks at the portrait, which naturally looks like holy hell, and eventually, he ends up stabbing the portrait and killing himself with it.

Huge morality play, of course, but still. That’s going to be approximately, maybe, what the plot of the upcoming Ben Barnes movie will be, and I have just blown it wide open.

Until then, stick with the rest of the horror movie trivia, book-based or otherwise, on Kwanzoo.

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