Alexa Vega has a spectacular set of lips, based on what I’ve seen of her MySpace site. And no, that’s not a compliment—these lips are so spectacular because of their capacity to kiss tukhus from phenomenal distances.
Her MySpace site is what gave that much away, because sitting on it not so very long ago was a terrifyingly effusive commentary on her time on the upcoming Repo: The Genetic Opera film. The whole thing has been reproduced here, so she can’t cover her shame by striking the post, and for our benefit I’m going to quote useful snippets here to give my hyperbole some actual credibility!
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The biggest horror convention in all the Midwest is on its merry way, o my readership, and if you live anywhere near Indianapolis, mark your calendars. It’s almost time for HorrorHound Weekend, and you know what that means! Lots and lots and LOTS of movies getting shown!
The list is astonishing. Check out this copy I got from Bloody-Disgusting: Sick Girl, Shrooms, Black Devil Doll, Inside, Timecrimes, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer, and The Vanguard. Which is a pretty solid array—you’re looking at roughly fourteen solid hours of movies here—but even better is the price of admission to said movies.
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This next bit represents one of the biggest bits of news that I’ve ever managed to scavenge up. Seriously.
The guys behind askaninja.com are scripting a remake of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. And they want to cast Bruce Campbell. And bring back George Clooney.
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Mr. Todd had a problem. He hated people, and wanted to kill them. But you can’t blame Sweeney for this - a corrupt judge shipped him away to an Australian chain gang because he wanted the scrumptious Mrs. Todd all to himself. It’s just like Delilah and King David, only less Biblical. So Mr. Todd had to kill. But what to do with the bodies?
Mrs. Lovett had a problem. Her business was in pies - meat pies. But meat was expensive and hard to come by. There were options, of course; she could always fill them with cats, for instance, but that would compromise her morals (and cats can run). She needed a filling for her pies.
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You know what they say about people who make wild assumptions, right? 1UP had a pretty random feature that I couldn’t pass up. It asks the questions, “Why don’t people finish games anymore?” and Nadia Oxford uses the next three pages to spell out reasons why so many unfinished games are left collecting dust. There’s only one problem: Oxford never establishes that her hypothesis is actually true.
Though quotes are thrown out from a few gamers who buy more games than they finish, it hardly passes for a thorough investigation into the matter. It would be interesting if the author took the time to sort through Xbox 360 Gamercards to see what percentage of games people start are actually finished, but just about any conclusion reached with minimal research would be insubstantial. Plus, how the heck are you going to compare our current completion percentage to what we were doing 15 years ago? Are hazy memories really enough to write a feature on?
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I tend to write about Downloadable Content a lot, don’t I? It’s kind of crazy for someone who has never actually purchased these fabled expansions to care so deeply about them, but I’m just that kind of strange. After living through twenty years of finite products that could only entertain until you couldn’t take seeing that blasted green map one more time, it’s nice to finally live in a world where the best games are updated regularly to keep fans hungry for more.
There’s no time like the present to jump on the Warhawk bandwagon. Not only is it considered one of the best exclusive games for the PS3, not only do I finally have a microphone to converse online, not only did it drop $10 off the price for the next few weeks, but it has new maps and vehicles hitting right before tax day! So if you need something to get you through these brutal weeks leading up to GTA IV’s launch, this seems like a logical choice. What else are you going to play, Smash Bros? Pssh.
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Have you ever noticed that every unique game idea eventually gets compared to Lemmings? It’s not only one of the best games ever made, it’s apparently one of the most influential as well. I’ll make sure to write an opus about Lemmings at some point in the future, but for now we’re dealing with another member of its shockingly large family. Elefunk sounds like the tasty, puzzle solving treat I have been craving since I first heard the concept of a Rube Goldberg machine.
Despite having some similarities to Lemmings, Elefunk sounds more like The Incredible Machine with elephants (hence my oh-so-clever title). You have to get your long-nosed friends from one side of the screen to the other, across shabbily constructed walkways and over towering trees. It’s a tried-and-true concept with the addition of elephants, what’s not to love?
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All right, game and horror buffs, sit down, shut up, and strap yourselves in because man, do I have some news for YOU!
It’s called “Exanimus”, and it will blow your mind. Why? Easy! It’s a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE MMO!! I know! I’m practically wetting myself with glee out here and I only just heard about it. The game is in fairly early stages of development, so word as to release dates is sketchier than an art show in Weehauken, but the word so far is downright amazing.
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So there’s word out that William Monahan, writer of The Departed among numerous others, has a new project in the works to breach sometime in 2010. Based on a true story, the plot revolves around a drug dealer who, looking at a prison sentence, figured he was going to trade up and become an undercover agent at a maximum security facility for the criminally insane. Whilst in Arkham…errr…wherever it is, our drug dealer will interrogate the Joker—um, I mean, of course, our as yet unnamed serial killer, to get him to spill the beans on just where his victims are hidden.
It sounds downright peachy, I’d say. Okay, sure…the word “derivative” applies to this sucker in spades. It’s been done before more than once—most of the old women’s prison exploitation movies had similar themes—but still, it might be a real thrill. Especially with Monahan doing the writing.
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Time to panic? Maybe, just maybe. Not only did Terminator: Salvation lose its salvation just recently to become Terminator 4, but now Paul Haggis has been called in to do a complete re-write on the Terminator 4 screenplay. Maybe somebody was listening to Liz when she said that the whole thing was so ridiculous that it was like a black hole from which neither light nor sense nor reason could escape. When you need the guy from Crash to rewrite the script to a Terminator sequel, it manages to make even less sense. Crash won Oscars. Terminator movies are lucky if they DON’T land a Razzie. Bringing in the Oscar winner to rewrite the beer movie script is like taking a sandblaster to a soup cracker. The level of overkill in bringing in Paul Haggis to rewrite the Terminator script is just astonishing. But what will it mean for the series? Will we somehow manage to see a Terminator movie on the list at the Oscars next year? If that happens, it might go a long way to restoring the cultural relevancy of the Oscars. And while we debate, there’s a whole load of James Cameron trivia on Kwanzoo to enjoy.
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