Everyone knows that the secret to a successful theatrical release is to rebrand a direct-to-video movie featuring a once-great action star in the decline of his career.

No, wait, that’s the secret to a successful theatrical release in Bizarro World.

While it seems nobody can confirm that 88 Minutes, starring Al Pacino and Al Pacino’s hair gel, was ever released on DVD in the U.S., anecdotal reports indicate that it’s been available for rental and purchase before. Those who have seen it mostly report that it’s awful. Luckily, this is the information age and you get to decide for yourself. Tick tock, doc.

Is this the worst trailer in the history of the world? Well, maybe. It has some stiff competition with Untraceable, but Pacino’s acting is so awful I’m tempting to declare 88 Minutes the winner. What happened to him between The Godfather and now? It’s kind of sad, really.

I can already tell that this movie displays some of my pet peeves. Firstly, how many people - especially professionals - answer their cell phones by barking “YEAH!” into the receiver? About as many people as hang up the phone without saying goodbye, I’ll bet. Secondly, why is it that in movies it’s incredibly easy to destroy someone’s reputation with a handful of circumstantial evidence?

Listen up, filmmakers. Seriously. Huddle up in the middle, I have some words for you.

When writing dialogue, could you possibly make an attempt to think about how real people actually talk? Not aliens from the planet Law & Order?

Yeah, I know. It’ll never happen. But I can dream, right?

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