Despite the WGA strike controversy that interrupted our favorite mockumentaries and medical mystery dramadies this year, the 80th Annual Academy Awards lumbered forward as planned. Stars and starlets, in their Versace best, devoted the entire day to pre-parties and pre-pre-parties and assaulting Jennifer Garner on camera.

But unless you’re Gary Busey, the Oscars aren’t a particularly interesting affair. To the trained eye, it begins to resemble the reading of a will. People gather, socializing reluctantly, pretending to be polite, and then wait with baited breath to find out what they’ve won.

The Oscars used to be a lot longer, before they instituted a music cue to let the winners know it’s time to shut up. The speeches usually end elegantly just before the deadline, except for the awkward “Best Visual Effects” winners who have been dragged, blinking furiously, from their basement computer lairs.

But no one cares about that part of the show, so let’s skip forward to the, drumroll please,

MAJOR AWARDS.

Best Adapted Screenplay!

Joel and Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men, from the novel by Cormac McCarthy.

Beat out: Atonement, Away From Her, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, There Will Be Blood.

Cormac McCarthy is a terrible writer and I couldn’t possibly hate him more. On the other hand, apparently the movie was very good, so I can’t argue too much with this one. No adaptations of famous stories this year - maybe people are just getting sick of them.

Best Original Screenplay!

Diablo Cody for Juno.

Beat out: Nancy Oliver, Tony Gilroy, Brad Bird, Tamara Jenkins.

A nice nod to a movie that didn’t have much chance at best picture, but sure deserved something, if for nothing else than being a sensation. Diablo Cody is probably the first stripper to win this particular Academy Award.

Best Supporting Actress!

Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton.

Beat out: Cate Blanchett, Ruby Dee, Saoirse Ronan, Amy Ryan.

Amy Ryan should have won, but she played such an unlikeable character in Gone Baby Gone that I wasn’t expecting much. Michael Clayton was a huge dark horse contender and I didn’t foresee a win in any category, but fair enough, Tilda Swinton.

Best Supporting Actor!

Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men.

Beat out: Casey Affleck, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Hal Holbrook, Tom Wilkinson.

No surprises here. People have an irrational love for Bardem’s character that surpasses all thought and reason.

Best Actress!

Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose.

Beat out: Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie, Laura Linney, Ellen Page.

Did anyone actually see this? People were either gunning for or against Ellen Page, so the anti-Ellens got their wish. Nice going, guys.

Best Actor!

Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood.

Beat out: George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Tommy Lee Jones, Viggo Mortensen.

Lewis was a shoe-in from the beginning; they probably would have nominated No Country if there was a clear male lead, but there wasn’t, so we got Blood instead. I drink your milkshake!

Best Director!

Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men.

Beat out: Paul Thomas Anderson, Tony Gilroy, Jason Reitman, Julian Schnabel.

Shocking, isn’t it? People love this movie. They want to have this movie’s babies. If it’s in second run at your local theater, take the time to check it out. Apparently it’s something special. Personally, though, I’d be angry if I had to share a Oscar with my brother.

Best Picture!

No Country for Old Men.

Beat out: Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, There Will Be Blood.

Second verse, same as the first.

So that’s it for the 80th Annual Academy Awards. Tom Hanks can now return home, put on sweatpants, and eat Chinese food. I suggest you all do the same. And if you actually care about the tiny insignificant winners of things like Best Documentary, check them out here.

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