There are times when I’d love–LOVE!–to slap a celebrity.

There are usually several REASONS for that kind of teeth-grinding rage, of course, from their sanctimony to their holier-than-thou behavior to why they’re getting paid criminally monstrous sums of money for work they do that can be done by absolutely ANYONE ELSE for much less money. And sometimes, it’s their sheer out-and-out stupidity that makes me long to slap a bitch.

Brad Pitt put himself on my ground zero by being dumb enough to not know what trespassing law is.  Here’s the quote from him:

“Let me be very blunt: I hate them (paparazzi). I hate these people. I don’t understand … that they do that for a living.”

He went on to further express his dismay that there are no laws against people that “climb over your walls wearing camouflage and calling out your kids’ names as you’re trying to take them to school.”

One, suck it, Pitt.  Again, the right of a free press shall not be restrained, and those paparazzi are no less the press than the investigative journalists at the Wall Street Journal, only their targets differ.

Two, um…yeah.  What you’re describing there is called TRESPASSING, Brad.  If they’re “climbing over your walls”, they’re coming on to your property.  Because I doubt even YOU think you’re powerful enough to have enforceable walls built on other people’s property.  Now, for the handful of trolls and wonks out there, NO, I’M NOT A LAWYER, but it’s mostly common knowledge that when you go onto someone else’s property without their express consent, it’s called trespassing. Trespassing is a crime in most places.  If trespassing isn’t a crime where Pitt lives, he needs to take that up with local authorities, not with the people with the cameras.

And if trespassing IS a crime where Pitt lives, then instead of railing against journalists in the execution of their duties, he needs to be calling the POLICE (you know what those are, right Brad?  you play them sometimes in movies) and THEY need to handle it.

What these celebrities don’t seem to realize is that what the paparazzi do is generally legal. Many of the things that paparazzi do to get pictures are already covered under existing law, and that which is not is legal and thus available to do.  It’s legal, last I knew to surround a guy to within a foot or two and try to get pictures.  It’s LEGAL to wait out front of a guy’s house on the street or on the sidewalk to try and take pictures as they leave.  It’s legal to wait for hours outside a restaurant to get a picture. Inconvenient? Yes.  A hassle?  Yes.  Downright unpleasant for the target?  I don’t doubt it.  But illegal?  No.  Should it be made illegal?  No.  Your inconvenience, your hassle, your unpleasantness is not worth establishing laws to prevent.  If that were the case then they should make it illegal to pay an actor more than fifty thousand dollars a year because I’m sick of you getting paid outrageous sums of money you clearly neither need nor deserve while good hard-working people sleep in their CARS because they can’t find jobs.

Meanwhile, if the paparazzi block traffic to get pictures, they’re performing illegal acts and that becomes a matter for the police.  If the paparazzi block the door at restaurants or boutiques or what have you to get pictures, they become a fire hazard and also fall under trespassing law and THAT becomes a matter, once again, for the police.  And if the paparazzi are climbing over walls and sneaking onto celebrity’s houses and property to get pictures, they’re once again trespassing and that becomes a matter for THE FREAKING POLICE.

Thus, I can’t understand for the life of me why Pitt is spending all his time whining about paparazzi when he could, you know, CALL THE POLICE.  If someone’s sneaking onto MY property wearing camouflage and trying to take pictures I call the cops.  Surely any one of us with intellectual candlepower greater than that of cheese would do the same.

Sure, it makes the news if Brad Pitt calls the cops on some paparazzi trying to take pictures, but that’s a story we can all sympathize with.  They’re on his property taking pictures.  This isn’t like those two assholes Matthew McConaughey was with that beat up a paparazzi and threw him in the ocean.  This isn’t like Brad Garrett punching a guy.  This isn’t like Gerard Butler putting one in the hospital.  For once, the celebrity actually IS a victim, not just a whiny, petulant, spoiled brat who just “had enough”.

I’m a huge believer in the right to a free press.  But does that mean I have any sympathy for paparazzi who sneak onto people’s property?  No sir, not one bit.  There are limits to everything, folks…committing crimes for the sake of the press is one of these limits.  Trespassing paparazzi need to be dealt with accordingly.

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