The other day, I was listening to an old recorded episode of my favorite radio show, Loveline. Their guest was an actress (the name escapes me) who had worked with Lindsay Lohan. But not the Lindsay Lohan you know; Lindsay Lohan ten years ago. The actress provided the kind of perspective that we rarely get in this “NOW!”-obsessed culture.

She talked about young Lindsay and her mother, imitating Mamma Lohan’s cigarette-y croak: “I take Lindsay home after she’s done filming. I don’t want her to be around all that Hollywood stuff.”

Mission accomplished!

What a difference a decade makes, eh? Rather than the adorable kid from The Parent Trap remake, we all know Lindsay as a drugged-up trainwreck who’s barely above Britney Spears in the “failure at life” department. She appears to be cleaning up her act a little, but she can never quite outlive the past few years.

And every little peek into her family life sheds more light on her behavior.

Meet Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan. He looks like an extra in a mafia film, and he might have fathered another little Lohan girl 13 years ago. But that’s not the best part.

Check out a few of the gems that Lohan has imparted upon the media:

“If I wasn’t Lindsay’s dad or Michael Lohan, this wouldn’t be getting any attention,” he said.

REALLY? And here I was thinking that EVERYONE would be fascinated by your personal affairs even if you weren’t leeching off of your daughter’s fame.

“Why would someone without taking a test put something out there like this?” said Lohan. “What if it’s negative? What is that going to do to her own child and my children? Is this for the fame? There was correspondence where she said Ashley, her daughter, wants to be an actress, and she’s so talented.”

That’s some hard-hitting investigative journalism right there, Mr. Lohan. But, just for fun, we’re going to dip into the news bit of the article to get the background on your lamentable situation:

Lohan said he once had a relationship with a woman named Kristi Horn and that he hadn’t seen her in 12 years. He said the two were seeing each other while he was separated from Dina Lohan, and the woman was going through a divorce. Lohan said he learned of the claim after receiving letters from the woman and photos of the girl purported to be his daughter when he was incarcerated.

Incarcerated? Oh my. Wikpedia sheds light on the subject:

After serving a two-and-a-half-year sentence in the Collins Correctional Facility, on various probation violation charges after a DUI arrest, he has emerged as a minister and counselor with the Long Island Teen Challenge rehabilitation program and has worked to save others from the same pitfalls he fell to. The former actor has been involved in various television proposals, including a show about him and his family life with Lindsay, and in 2007, the Michael Lohan Reality Project, produced by Frozen Pictures, which followed his life, work and efforts to reconnect with his daughter and family.

Oh Lindsay.

Oh the humanity.

Note: Since the time of this writing, Michael Lohan has submitted to a paternity test. According to TMZ, he will attempt to sell the results to a tabloid, as well as the pictures of his family’s first meeting with the prodigal daughter. This is in direct contradiction to a spittle-flecked rant from earlier:

He says, “Even if the test is positive, I have nothing to say to her [the girls’ mother] because of the way she handled this. How can someone say I have another child when no testing has been done? Why did she wait so long? Is it because she wants money? Or is it because she wants to claim that Ashley is my children’s sister? She said she wants her daughter to have a relationship with my kids - especially Lindsay and Ali - and that’s pretty sick. I will never force my children to meet with Ashley.”

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