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Friday the 13th, kids…it’s getting a remake, and it’s being released one day ahead of the Day of Pain and Darkness, February 13th. How spectacularly fitting! The question, of course, is what they’re actually going to do with that remake. Are they going to stick to the original? Or…oh boy.

Short answer, kids…it’s a no. The remake will feature Jason Voorhees. He will be in full hockey mask and he’ll be doing the killing. This is a horrible idea for any of literally dozens of reasons, but I’m going to try my best to keep my seething rage in check long enough to clock out a hundred and fifty words about this…this…oh, crap, I can’t do it.

I want to know, like right now, what asshole decided that a Friday the 13th remake needed to star a MASKED JASON VOORHEES. Jason wasn’t even anything more than a plot point in the first one—any idiot that’s seen Scream knows full well that it was Jason’s mother that did the killing in the first one! And Jason didn’t have a hockey mask for at least two sequels to come! Did you not bother to watch the movie you’re trying to remake or are you just so desperate for a sleazy cash-grab that you took a horror icon and turned him into a whore for fast box-office returns?

Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. How DARE you assholes hijack one of the original big three names in horror, from which so many imitators have sprung? How dare you show so little respect for the entire concept that you’d pull this kind of chicanery?

How dare you take our legacy and bastardize it for the sake of mere cash?

Folks, I don’t recommend this. Out of sheer respect for the original and what it started, I do NOT recommend the Friday the 13th remake. Call it an official pan in advance, it’s an insult to the community so grave that I’m passing judgment before I’ve even seen it.

Somebody’s got to take a stand against this kind of malfeasance.

The original, meanwhile, has plenty of Friday the 13th trivia on Kwanzoo for you to enjoy in a thoroughly reverent fashion.

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