Cultural warriors, you’re really missing some opportunities here.

It’s unlikely you and I will ever see eye-to-eye on video games, but every time I turn around, it’s GTA this, GTA that. It’s boring, and it comes at a time when the actual franchise has come to resemble an episode of The Sopranos rather than a murder simulator. I know you guys don’t play the games you shout about on network news, so you wouldn’t know that there’s WAY more objectionable games to get riled up about. If for no other reason than keeping things lively, I’m here to help you.

Persona 3: Penny Arcade put it so succinctly that I cannot improve on the description: “Teenagers mime suicide over and over again to summon helpful spirits.” You don’t need to run a clip of that out of context on the evening news when that’s the context.

Final Fantasy Tactics: Bill Donohue, the Catholic League hasn’t been active on the video game front as far as I can tell, but this is a real opportunity for expansion in the outrage industry. You missed a great chance with Xenogears, a game where, like The Golden Compass, the protagonists’ end goal is to kill God. Fortunately for you, Final Fantasy Tactics has recently been re-released on the PSP. See how this strikes you: A thinly veiled analog for the Catholic Church has for centuries been hiding the true nature of the diety it worships with the intent of summoning the devil herself to the corporeal plane.

Madworld: This one isn’t out yet, but take it from me, it’s one to watch for. Sure, any game can ramp up the ultraviolence, but only Madworld is exclusive to Nintendo’s kid-friendly Wii.

Saint’s Row: This series is just a gimmie. Where Grand Theft Auto has gone respectable, Saint’s Row’s whole pitch is that it’s even trashier than the original GTA. They’re practically begging for the publicity from an outcry, but there hasn’t been a peep. Throw them a bone, already. The sequel is coming out soon, and your character can get a sex change at the beginning. That’s got to be worth something, right?

And these are just the obvious ones. Hell, I’ve seen media properties with far weaker anti-authoritarian themes than Beyond Good and Evil get lambasted for allegedly undermining the War on Terror. Professional firebrands, there’s a whole smorgasboard for you here, just waiting to be seasoned with a healthy drizzle of “fear of the young”! Sticking to just GTA is like going to the buffet table and loading up your plate with iceberg lettuce.

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