It’s here, kids! It’s finally, finally here! The new year’s T.V. premieres we’ve been waiting for all this time - since the writer’s strike, in many cases - have either happened, or are happening soon. Here’s a rundown of the shows you should be watching instead of doing something productive.

Nip/Tuck (FX) - January 6th
Knowing little of Nip/Tuck besides its latest advertising campaign, I assume it involves a lot of dancing sex symbols from different eras. And Kanye West.

No, seriously, it’s just a weird medical soap opera, I think. My husband describes it thus: “You sit there, and you watch it. And you think to yourself, ‘this is terrible. I should be watching something on The History Channel.’ But you don’t change it.” As far as guilty pleasures go, it doesn’t get much better than plastic surgery - the ultimate expression of human vanity. Check out the rest of the new season Tuesdays at 10pm.

Damages (FX) - January 7th
I don’t watch Damages, but it appears to be one of those deadly-serious dramas that is as tiring as it is engrossing. There’s murder, betrayal, and the ubiquitous Željko Ivanek. It certainly has an all-star cast, and possibly a revenge plot:

I’d guess from this that Rose Byrne is seeking revenge against Glenn Close, but that might not actually be the plot. I can’t quite figure it out. Anyway, if you’re hungry for some compelling psychological catfights, then tune in Wednesdays at 10pm.

24 (FOX) - January 11th
For those who lost interest in 24 during the fifth and sixth seasons, it’s time to give the show another chance. The interim movie 24: Redemption raised the quality of the show back up a few notches. Don’t believe me? Watch it! Go on. I’ll wait.

Right, see what I mean? It’s no Hotel Rwanda, but it’s something. It’s neat. It’s fun. It’s Jack. I’m also looking forward to President That Lady Cop from Signs. Let’s all hope that this new season renews our collective faith in the show, and tune in Sundays at 8pm. (I’m not actually going to “tune in” since my local Fox feed is nearly unwatchable, especially during prime time. It skips around like…something a skips a lot. Luckily, they make their shows available online as well.)

Battlestar Galactica (SCIFI) - January 16th
The latest BSG promos ask, “who is the final Cylon?” I don’t know, Sci Fi Channel. I don’t know. There are so many things I don’t know. Like, why did you stop airing Mystery Science Theater? RIDDLE ME THAT, SCI FI CHANNEL.

I also don’t really know or understand what a Cylon is, although I’m sure it’s very exciting. Those of you who follow the show should feel a bittersweet joy as you tune in on Fridays at 10pm for the final episodes of BSG.

Lost (ABC) - January 21st
The ultimate pseudoscience adventure/drama is back, and perhaps we’ll finally get an answer to that question: “guys - where are we?”

I’m just kidding, of course. We know where they were, but at the same time - not really. What secrets do the island and the Dharma Initiative hold for us? And will all of the Oceanic 6 successfully return to rescue those who were left behind? It sorta reminds me of the plot of Return to Paradise, only a lot less lame. Don’t be discouraged from watching this season just because you haven’t kept up with the show so far. This is a series that doubles back on itself so much, you’ll feel like you’ve watched it ten times.

Favorite character to watch this season: Ben Linus. If his eyes get any bigger, I’m going to start using them as snack plates.

Dollhouse (Fox) - February 13th
Nothing can soothe your lonely soul on Valentine’s Day quite like spending the night before watching Joss Whedon’s latest show. In it, The Dollhouse is a mysterious organization that houses “Actives,” or “Dolls,” humans whose minds are true blank slates that can be imprinted with any persona, skill, or memory under the sun. People hire them to do things. According to Wikipedia, these things range from “jobs, crimes, and fantasies” to “occasional good deeds.” The Actives are “mind-wiped” after each assignment, but Echo (Eliza Dushku), one of the Actives, begins to become self-aware. And so the show begins!

Not that I’m any expert on science, but I’m not sure this actually makes any sense. Also, if this existed in real life, there is no way that the Actives would be hired for anything but sex.

Critics have been cautious in their praise, saying that while the concept is solid, Dushku’s acting skills aren’t quite up to portraying so many different personalities. Even so, those of us who wish to support Whedon will be tuning in every Friday at 9pm. Do I smell a Friday night death slot? Why yes. I believe I do.

I’m ready! Are you? Hold on, hold on - I’ll go start the popcorn.

Popularity: 3% [?]