YouTube has definitely launched its share of careers–deservedly so or otherwise.  Forget LonelyGirl15, there have been a whole slew of flash-in-the-pans who never followed up on their YouTube success.  Remember the recent South Park episode “Canada On Strike!”?  Everybody was there–Tay Zonday, Dramatic Look Gopher, Sneezing Panda, Laughing Baby, even the guys we don’t actually know by any other name than their video like Tron Guy and Numa Numa Guy.  And they were all ready to cash in (in “theoretical dollars”, of course) on their YouTube success.

This mix, of course, has been eclectic at best, but the question becomes, how exactly do WE pull this sort of thing off?  Especially as it relates to doing a good short film?  There are all kinds of short films lurking around YouTube–some of them are fantastic, while others are nothing but pure wastes of bandwidth.

How can I tell, you ask?  Well, I’ve been reviewing movies for the last four years now, and in that four years I’ve seen the top of the heap and movies so low they tear the bottom off the barrel and start digging until they smell feet.  The good, the bad and the just plain fugly have seen my DVD player’s in-tray, and four years worth of movie coverage has left me with a much greater understanding.

So if you want to make the kind of movies that won’t enrage a longtime critic, and maybe even earn you a choice quote for your box art, then follow these simple guidelines.

1. Write Convincing Dialogue.  By Convincing, Of Course, I Mean It Sounds Like Actual People Talking.

Your dialogue should sound natural, whether you’re reading it yourself or your actors are reading it.  Make sure to do several off-camera runthroughs before filming, and no matter how good you think your first take is, do NOT release it as finished product. For an example of things to avoid when filming dialogue, take a look at “The House”.

In fact, sometimes, the creepiest film you can generate doesn’t even need dialogue–here’s an excellent example of a scary silent short, Alone With Grandma.

2. Look Behind You!  Do Your Best to Be Surprising

Seriously–some of the best horror movies have some kind of out-of-left-field touch to them.  The killer isn’t who you expect, or the victim has some odd secret.  It’s easy to overdo this, and falling into the “Luke, I Am Your Father” trap is a lot more common than you think.  But some really scary stuff happens when you can’t see it coming.

For instance, check out the nasty little surprise waiting at the end of The Clown Is Waiting.

3. Hyperbole Is So Bad It Will Make Your Eyes Bleed and Your Colon Spontaneously Explode.

Don’t say you’ve been “banned” unless you can say from where and for what reasons you’ve been banned.  For instance, Congi–it’s been banned, apparently.   With good reason, probably–it’s not even an actual horror flick.  Oh, sure, it’s occasionally funny in spots, but as a scary movie it’s a complete flop.

Perhaps the “SCARIEST HORROR TERROR VIDEO, Most Intense video EVER!!!” will persuade you.  Or more likely that not, it will bore you to death.

In fact, the word “scariest” is just a bad idea to use.  Load in the word “scariest” and you’ll get better than forty-five hundred results.  Clearly, someone’s got to be lying somewhere; even if the scariest thing on YouTube is in fact on YouTube, there’s about forty-four hundred ninety nine other schmucks who are just trying to inflate their view count.

4. In General, Be Creative

Seriously…if you can’t be scary, at least be creative. Follow the example of Sammyt3hsnake, who was tired when he created the Ten Scariest Logos of All Time list.  You may not be as scared of a logo as he was, but man…these can be pretty scary when you think about them.  Most things are scarier when you think about them, which is why I refrain from doing so whereever possible.  In all seriousness, though, there’s a lot to say for a guy who can put something like this out there.  It takes a lot of brass to advance the concept of scary logos, and brass is something sorely lacking in the horror movie market.

And so, that’s it.  A few solid tips to get you started on the way to making some serious short films.  Eventually, maybe you can step up into the ranks of feature-length material, and when you do, let me know.  Maybe I can get you reviewed.

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