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I hate Miyazaki anime. Genuinely. I hate it like dental visits and health food. I hate it like an all-day marathon of American Idol. If someone offered me a choice between watching Princess Mononoke and hitting myself in the head with a tack hammer I’d have to sit down for a moment and really think that over. At least the hammer thing would stop hurting in less than two hours, a feat Princess Mononoke just can’t top. But I’m not here to talk Mononoke today, no sir…today I’m here to talk Howl’s Moving Castle, a film that tries way too hard and accomplishes entirely too little.

Trying Way Too Hard

Okay…try this on for a plot. A young woman named Sophie is turned into an elderly woman for little or no clear reason except possibly sheer spite. Going after the Witch of the Waste, who put the curse on her, Sophie runs into a scarecrow named Turnip Head who helps Sophie find a place to stay for the night–a gigantic moving castle. Powered by a fire demon. Named Calcifer.

The fire demon believes he has much better things to do with his unlife than be the castle’s engine room, so he tells Sophie that he can break the curse on her if she can break the contract between him and the wizard Howl, who owns the gigantic demon-powered castle.

You see what I mean by trying too hard? The rest of the movie revolves around Sophie’s efforts to break the contract between Howl and Calcifer, so if you ever wanted to see a two-hour special episode of The Practice sans William Shatner set in a giant floating demon-powered palace with legs, well, this is the anime you’ve been waiting for.

Accomplishing Way Too Little

Pretty much the only reason this thing goes on as long as it does is because Miyazaki has built in filler directly into the plot. Calcifer is unable to discuss the terms of the contract with Sophie, and thus, Sophie must spend a couple hours blundering around until she pretty much accidentally gets the contract broken.

Wasting Way Too Much Time

Apparently, according to the Internet, I’m some kind of moron because I can’t stand Miyazaki work. Every review of this guy’s work I read is effusive and glowing so hard it’s downright radioactive. Ah well…no accounting for taste, I suppose.

So if you want to find your way around the giant floating demon-powered palace, swing on over to the Howl’s Moving Castle movie trivia on Kwanzoo.

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