You know…until just recently, I hadn’t thought celebrities were much dumber than ordinary people.  I thought that occasional idiocy like Russell Crowe’s “let’s destroy the economy by giving EVERYBODY a million bucks!” plan for saving the economy were just the result of occasional lapses brought on by perhaps the fatigue of a shooting schedule.  But considering what celebrities had come up with this week, man…I’m starting to wonder if there’s something in the water.

So join me for a festival of whining, pompousity and stupidity as only celebrities can do it!

Oh, and anyone thinking about suing, my middle finger is in full extension.  All of the following are ACTUAL QUOTES.

“I used to think going to the mall and hollering at girls (was) more important. But in reality, we are in a different time now. My focus now is to take it a step further to make a change and vote.” Bow Wow.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it before!  I can’t spend all my time hollering at girls at the mall!  I MUST VOTE!! VOOOOOOTTE!!  And after that fifteen minutes, THEN I can go hollering at girls at the mall.  Hopefully I won’t get arrested–I guess when you’re a celebrity sexual harassment lawsuits are sort of relaxed.

“If I’m acting, I’m acting, if I’m singing, I’m singing. There’s no doing both, because I don’t wanna split my focus.” Jennifer Hudson.

Somewhere Andrew Lloyd Webber is reading this and tying his noose.  Musical theatre is clearly an anomaly from a parallel universe to Jennifer Hudson.

“I mean, seriously … after this whole video if you’re not gonna vote, I don’t even know what to say. … You know you have to vote.” Leonardo DiCaprio, who produced a public service announcement to get young people into voting booths on Election Day.

You hear that?  HAVE to.  HAVE to.  Leonardo DiCaprio told me I must vote!  No one cares, Leo.  It’s not like you even have a functioning career any more–why are you try to bully me into a voting booth?

“Today, five years ago, my father passed away, and I just know he’s really happy and watching over me, and I made him proud.” Kim Kardashian, after her dismissal from ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars.”

…no, that one’s too easy.  Let’s move on before I look ghoulish.

“Anytime you’re sticking out like a sore thumb, you can get one of two things: Maybe you get coverage because you stick out like a sore thumb, and maybe because you’re the sore thumb no one wants to touch it. So I do find that doors are closed because of the color of my skin, but doors are also open because of the color of my skin. And doors are closed on a lot of other people, and I’m definitely not the victim in this society, that’s for sure.” Robin Thicke, on whether he feels like there’s a disadvantage for him in the music business because he’s a white R&B singer.

So…wait.  Doors ARE closed to you, but others are open, but you’re not the victim, and you’re sure of that?  Huh?  You’re basically saying you’re the victim of racism–you’ve described the definition in almost textbook fashion–but you don’t want to say the magic r-word because every time a white guy talks about being the victim of racism it almost IMMEDIATELY blows up in his face whether or not it’s actually true.  Way to say a whole bunch without actually SAYING anything, Robin.

“One of the things that was very moving about the trip was to see 15-year-old girls, really young, taking responsibility for their lives and their children before they’re born by saying, ‘I am going to be healthy, I am going to take this vaccination.’” Salma Hayek, lending her star power to a UNICEF campaign to eradicate tetanus in mothers and babies around the world within four years.

I WILL be healthy. I WILL take this vaccination.  I WILL fail to notice any unpleasant aftereffects of vaccination that have happened historically.  It’s odd how phrases like “I WILL get a job” or “I WILL support my children” or “I WILL make sure the father is involved in a responsible capacity” never seem to come into play there.  And if they were that responsible, Salma, what are they doing having children at fifteen anyway?  Pretty much everybody over here agrees that that’s not exactly high on the old “Good idea” chart, even certain vice-presidential candidates we won’t mention because that’s just forbidden territory.

And now, for the granddaddy doozy of the week:

“I started songwriting after ‘Idol.’ I tried before but I hadn’t mastered it. I think the key is to be real, to be honest. When we started to pull things from my journal whether it was a bad breakup or a fight with a friend or a personal struggle with my family that’s when everything started to click. When I tried to make up some fictional story, I wasn’t good at it. The only thing I’m good at is being me.” Kellie Pickler.

Wow.  It’s good to know that you’re at least good at ONE thing, Kellie.  Because songwriting sure ain’t it!  And it’s got to be especially comforting to your friends and family that their dirty laundry could be a song any day now!  Hope you enjoy post-Idol obscurity–maybe you can join Ruben Studdard on the musical theatre circuit doing “Ain’t Misbehavin’”!  At least you might be able to sing AND act.

Unlike Jennifer Hudson.

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