Boy, those celebrities sure are crazy, huh? I know it’s not really “news,” but last week had some headlines I’d like to examine a little more closely. Perhaps this will even become a weekly feature! I just died a little inside.

Brenda Song is, according to E! Online, Disney’s new “cash cow” - a lovely term, especially when it refers to a woman. Nice, E! Anyway, some are wondering if the twenty-year-old actress, who has appeared in “The Suite Life,” “Phil of the Future,” and her own Disney channel movie, is meant to become the next Miley Cyrus. I doubt it, because a) she looks about thirty-five years old, and b) one Miley Cyrus is way, way more than enough.

Jared Leto is being sued by Virgin Records. Apparently, the Requiem for a Dream star also fronts the band 30 Seconds to Mars, which I didn’t know somehow, even though I am well aware that both of them exist as separate entities. Sometimes these things just slip past you. Apparently, they signed a contract in 1999 to deliver three albums by now, and they haven’t. Whoops. Time to lay off the smack. (Get it, because he was in Requiem for a Dream. I hate myself.)

Bill Murray went skydiving! Well, not really. He went on a tandem jump with US Army Golden Knights Staff Sergeant, whatever that is. Apparently the plane he jumped out of is called a C-31 Fokker, which is funnier than any previous part of Bill Murray’s career. YES, INCLUDING GHOSTBUSTERS.

Michael Phelps is the sole reason network T.V. is still afloat. I hadn’t even heard of this guy until a few weeks ago, but he’s (obviously) a very impressive swimmer and I’m not surprised that he brought NBC such fantastic ratings. Key quote: “This event shows the pipes work and that if you put on great programming that people want to watch, then they’ll show up,” Jeff Zucker, NBC Universal president & CEO, told CNBC Friday. Wow, I can see why they made him CEO.

Mercifully, that’s pretty much it. I kind of enjoyed that. Hope you did, too.

Popularity: 2% [?]