I couldn’t write the above headline without laughing, folks.  And if you can READ it without laughing then you’re stronger than I am.  Congratulations!

No, Lindsay Lohan recently dismissed the Los Angeles Chief of  Police’s comments about her “going gay”–in reference to her relationship (and rumored romance)  with DJ Samantha Ronson–not with a well-timed jab about, say, the LAPD taping other people for once instead of being taped themselves, or perhaps a short bon mot about being beaten or tazed or whatever excesses the LAPD’s been caught exercising in lately.

No..she busted out the F-bombs and instructed the Los Angeles Chief of Police to “mind his own F(warning: the surgeon general has determined that putting the next two letters in this word together makes you a TOTAL potty mouth)king business”, and that “police chiefs shouldn’t get involved in everybody else’s business or their personal lives. It’s inappropriate.”

I’m conflicted at this point.  Genuinely I am.  For me to complain about other people’s use of obscenity would be a case of hypocrisy so massive it would strain at the fabric of space-time itself.  So I won’t. See, I happen to believe that obscenity is like particularly potent peppers–they can really spark things up but too many too close together just scorches all the flavor out of the dish that is language.  And indeed, it really IS her own business whether or not she’s gay or straight or will just bang anything with a pulse.

But come ON, Lindsay–you know your career’s been a slow death trap for years now.  Surely you’ve got something more relevant to say that for us to mind our own business.   And do I really have to school you on the whole concept of “public domain”?  If you’re hanging all over some DJ chick out in public the chief of police or anyone else has a right to comment on the fact that IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE you’ve “gone gay”.

When you put your business and your personal life out in public, honey, it’s no longer yours.  This is why people are continually telling college kids not to post pictures of themselves getting blind drunk on their MySpace pages and exposing various body parts if they want a job later.

Which is why all my stuff is written under a pen name.  My real name is Bender Bending Rodriguez.

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