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According to Netflix, director Ulli Lommel is a “horror master.” I’m not sure anyone but Ulli Lommel himself would subscribe to this belief, and probably not even him, because he has to know what a laughingstock he is.

Steve’s pick for the Worst Movie Ever was Lommel’s Borderline Cult, which stars nobody and features nothing. I must, however, give the director credit for trying. Everything about the film is horrible and offensive, but it hs a certain stylistic flair that hints at the possibility of a not-bad movie, buried deep in there somewhere. If this guy didn’t suck so badly, he might be able to turn all that creativity into something good. Unfortunately, since he sucks, the flair just makes it worse.

Borderline Cult is about some people on the Mexican border who kill women. That’s it. Obviously, this is the most gratifying thing you can possibly accomplish as a human being, so, based on the film, here’s a quick rundown of how it’s done.

How To Run a “Borderline Cult”

1. Make sure that your murderous psychopath is a fat-faced guy with glasses who looks like 90% of the guys on Craigslist. Tell him how creepy and awesome it will be if he pushes his glasses up on his nose in pretty much every shot.

2. Go ahead and bury your dead in the backyard, complete with cross markers and bloody pieces of clothing. Nobody will notice.

3. Make sure to wear a kicky top hat, even in the oppressive heat.

4. Hire a Suicide Girls reject to lure your victims. Her Elvira haircut in no way makes her creepy and untrustworthy.

5. Enhance your moody soundtrack with the incessant, loud buzzing of flies. It’s just not a killing without a Biblical plague going on in the background.

6. Sudden shots in negative black-and-white only enhance the mood, so shift into another dimension if you need to, to achieve the perfect look.

7. Keep chickens. You can use the coop to trap your victims, plus, fresh eggs every morning!

That’s pretty much it. Women on vacation by themselves are NEVER, EVER missed, so you don’t have to worry about getting caught. Happy hunting!

But for those of you who wish to remain spectators, and are curious - is this the Worst Movie Ever? Yeah, probably. I mean, I’d recommend it to friends as the worst movie I’ve seen. But I honestly enjoyed it a lot more than The Wailer, mostly because if the “I can’t believe he DID that!” factor. It’s all a matter of opinion - and, in my opinion, Borderline Cult is an excessively bad film that makes me feel bad for having watched it.

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