A few weeks ago, Steve and I got into a little argument. Each of us was convinced that we, alone, could come up with THE WORST FILM OF ALL TIME. Clearly, a duel was in order - a duel of skin-peelingly bad films.

Before we get to our reviews of each other’s picks for Worst Ever, we’d like to introduce our picks for the top five worst films of all time. And if too many of my picks come from Mystery Science Theater, well, that’s just because it’s the best aggregate of bad movies. Ever. (Quick clarification for those who have or will read Steve’s article: I have seen more than “a few” episodes. I have seen hundreds. Thank you.)

5. Raise the Titanic
I feel bad about putting this on here, since it does have some decent SFX of the Titanic rising out of the ocean. Yes, the entire boat. This was made back in the ’70s before people knew about the whole snapping-in-half thing. But the rest of the movie is ridiculous; they actually come up with a plot to explain why they need to raise the Titanic, as if the historical significance isn’t enough. Then, physics be damned, they just use some explosives to blow the whole thing out of the water. Notable scene: during a conversation between two characters, the traffic lined up behind one of them changes from second to second, sometimes switching back to the same lineup of cars from seconds earlier. Great continuity!

4. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
Director and star Ray Dennis Steckler never pretended to be anything but a lowlife. Even so, this movie is terrible. It’s all about a guy, his friend, and his girl visiting a carnival…a zombie carnival. Some fortune-teller makes people into zombies with a big bottle of liquid that has a skull drawn on the label. I don’t know. Everything about it is upsetting and baffling, from the random musical numbers to the dream sequences to the screaming mechanical monkey. It’s the most depressing carnival ever. Pretty funny all around, though - if you have no soul.

3. Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues…
“…to not be heard of by anybody.” Tom Servo said it best. This is supposedly a sequel to the slightly better Legend of Boggy Creek, which is all about some Bigfoot monster who lives in a swamp in the deep south and the college professor who tracks him. Along with his students, the director/star (noticing a pattern here?) finds out that some old, creepy guy who wears overalls (AND NOTHING ELSE) is keeping the creature’s baby captive. Obviously they have to set him free for great justice, and so they can continue menacing humanity. It’s really distasteful and boring, complete with a missed opportunity for mud wrestling.

2. Manos: The Hands of Fate
I really can’t add much to the already overflowing lore of this film. If you haven’t heard of it, just look it up…you’ll be amazed and horrified.

1. The Wailer
Watch the thrilling tale of some college students hanging out in a cabin! Never mind that some of the “college students” are obviously in their 30s, and that none of the characters are interesting, funny, or appealing in any way. Never mind that only the final twenty minutes has anything “horror” related in it. Apparently “the wailer,” or “la llorna,” is a really old South American legend about a woman who killed her kids or something. This movie doesn’t do it justice, not even in the thrilling conclusion where a girl somehow gets caught on a door for no apparent reason. Seriously, if you can figure out what’s going on in this movie at all, you’re some kinda sorcerer.

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