Looney Lawyer Looks Back At Grand Theft Auto Four
So here it is. Grand Theft Auto Four has been released to stores and I can no longer practice law. Not even in Guam, and they’ll let a chicken practice law in Guam. I remember going up against Clucky in a product liability case. He doesn’t look like he could litigate his way out of a henhouse with a map to the front door, but man, he fought like a demon.
I still can’t believe I lost.
I did everything I could think of before I was finally disbarred to try and get into Rockstar to stop them, and nothing! I tried to sneak a subpoena in in a pizza box. I hid under a cardboard box and tried to crawl under the gates. I tried to put a proton torpedo into the three-meter-wide vent shaft without the aid of a targeting computer! I’m not sure why I tried to do that last one, and frankly, something was missing. But it didn’t work! Nothing worked! Oh, sure, my cardboard box had “NOT SOLID SNAKE” written on it and my proton torpedo was a particularly large muskmelon with the word “BOOM!” written on it in Sharpie, but still!
Surely this time I could’ve managed to get somewhere with this one! Surely this time I could’ve managed to make someone see the horror of these murder simulators!
Surely I could’ve managed to get a book deal out of this one…I mean, have you seen it? Over eight solid hours of cutscenes, packed with depictions of murder, mayhem and drunk driving. Drunk driving, no less! Man, don’t I wish I could catch one of those Liberty City folks jaywalking. That’d be all I need! Of course, with a trifecta like murder, mayhem, and drunk driving, I should have enough for three pointless rants on Fox News!
But they’re not taking my calls anymore. Strange, that.
Even one of the first missions would be great fodder for a lawsuit! Not only does Rockstar once again encourage violence, but now they encourage filing false police reports, kinda like I did when that unpleasant-looking attorney chick put her hand on my shoulder. Filed battery charges on her, I did–but in my defense, she was so unpleasant to look at that I should’ve filed battery charges whenever she looked in my direction, but I restrained myself until she actually touched me.
Anyway, back to the murder simulator. One of the first missions requires you to steal a police car, and this can be done in several ways, including calling 911 and filing a false police report to get the police to come to you! Shameful! Horrible! Profitable!…if I could get a court to hear it, anyway…
They’ve actually got this monster set to the point where you can snipe individual body parts in a high-definition rainbow of carnage—oooh, I’ve got to remember that one! Gotta write that down…oh…wait…they took my legal pads. They TOOK MY LEGAL PADS! *sob*…have to write on this bucket of chicken. Rainbow…of…carnage. That’ll be a good book title. If anyone ever publishes it.
Ah well…can’t keep stewing on the murder simulator forever. Have to go send out another couple hundred emails before they shut off my power! Maybe I should send out some resumes…get a real job that doesn’t have anything to do with video games.
I wonder if Gamestop is hiring….
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