(That weird purple lightning hit my Internet lines again this morning, and sure enough, there was fresh mail in my inbox from the Office of the High Gofer.)

To The Minions of The Magnificent Galactic Overlord Xenu At Columbia Pictures on Prison Planet Euarth:

Greetings.

His Magnificence Xenu has received with great joy and obscene mirth word of your recent actions against the disciple of the hated Hubbard Tom Cruise.

While your actions were not so overtly insulting to Cruise as those of your cohorts at Paramount, His Magnificence offers you extra kudos for the sheer depth of humiliation.  I provide quotes for reference:

While it’s typical to see one male actor replaced by another, it’s not often that an actress is casted for a guy’s role. But  Angelina Jolie has just confirmed that she’ll be taking over for  Tom Cruise in the spy movie “Edwin A. Salt”.  Talking to the BBC on Monday, Jolie said of her next project, “I’m working on a film called Salt. And it’s with [Bone Collector director] Phillip Noyce. And that’s it.”

Not only have you reduced him to the ranks of actors who can be replaced by actresses, you subjected Cruise to the humiliation of throwing him over for a marginal psychopath like Angelina Jolie.  Anything that adds to the notoriety or negative public image of Cruise is greatly applauded by His Magnificence.

Plus have you seen this Jolie chick?  She’s buying knives for seven year olds and used to wear a vial of her husband’s blood around her neck,  but she can handle a part better than Cruise.  You guys are GENIUSES.

His Magnificence Xenu would like to remind you that every such action forestalls your planet’s destruction at the hands of enormous DC-8 spacecraft, and would like to further remind you that the end of your year approaches, and thus, if you haven’t already submitted expense reports for 2008, do so. Even His Magnificence fears your IRS.

Also, the Christmas party has been moved to Rigel-7 due to the overwhelming success of the annual picnic.  Dress is casual, and those wishing to attend should again RSVP with the Office of the High Gofer.  Those wearing blue jeans or shirts with slogans will be fed to enormous meat-eating Triffid worms.

Sincerely,

His Magnificence Xenu

Dictated but Not Read

The Office of the High Gofer

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