That’s right, everybody! Tune in to CBS June 17th to see the 10 AFI Top 10 lists, AFI’s idea of the ten greatest classics in ten different genres!

So basically you should go to network television, watch the network that almost nobody’s watching anyway to hear what a bunch of stuffed shirt, pompous jackasses think about ten films in more genres than technically exist. Wow. Sounds like I’ll be saving the date for almost anything else, up to but not necessarily including MY OWN FLOGGING.

Seriously. The American Film Institute ranks right down there in terms of relevance with, say, Cheez Whiz. Or possibly phlegm. I’d call them a buggy whip outfit but people do actually USE buggy whips. Just for the sake of comparison, ask yourself–when’s the last time anyone consulted the AFI regarding anything, up to and including what movie to rent on a Friday night? Yeah…I rest my case.

It only got worse when I saw their list of “genres” and the hosts of said genres. Take a look at this:

Hosted by:

Jessica Alba - Romantic Comedy

Sean Astin - Fantasy

Gabriel Byrne - Mystery

Kirk Douglas - Epic

Clint Eastwood - Western

Cuba Gooding Jr. - Sports

Jennifer Love Hewitt - Animation

Quentin Tarantino - Gangster

Sigourney Weaver - Sci-Fi

James Woods - Courtroom Drama

See, AFI–this is why NO ONE CARES. Not only have you made the critical mistake of COMPLETELY SNUBBING HORROR, you’ve also invented several genres out of whole cloth. “Courtroom Drama”? When was the last major courtroom drama, “Philadelphia”? And “Epic”?? Oh, somebody grease up Liz Taylor and hand truck her ass out on stage so she can talk about “Cleopatra” again, because we NEVER get tired of hearing about movies that were outdated when our PARENTS saw them first. And you know DAMN well that “Gangster” and “Mystery” are basically the same genre from two different angles!

This is why you’re on CBS on a Sunday night in June. Keep this up and you’re going to be standing by a freeway off-ramp holding a huge sign that says “Will Work For Cultural Relevance”. The sheer depth of your hubris just astonishes–don’t even get me started on the collection of halfwits and has-beens you pulled out of your ass to host this garbage.

So I can tell clearly where I WON’T be June 17th–chances are you folks can tell too.

Popularity: 2% [?]