Anyone remember that old eighties movie, Weird Science? You know, the one that gave us Bill Paxton, and featured two nerds in a basement trying to construct the perfect woman who looked oddly like Kelly LeBrock? Yeah, that one!

There were a lot of children of the eighties mooning over that one, wishing they too could plunge themselves into their parents’ basements and cobble together a woman who understood them, who didn’t create horrible contra-logic puzzles possibly for her own twisted amusement (Seriously, sometimes? It’s like living with Jigsaw from the Saw series. Is there a RIGHT answer to “Do these pants make me look fat?” If the ladies ever figure out how to build their own knife-face chairs, all is lost.) , who didn’t say truly bizarre things like “I don’t want you to do the dishes…I want you to WANT to do the dishes!”, who could live with our own relative bizarrities like sports franchise / comic book / rifle manufacturer / video game fandom. Who could be nurturing and supportive of the fact that we forgot our anniversary….because we were playing World of Warcraft…all night…again.

And then, we would sigh, and troop up out of our parents’ basements, realizing we had all the manual dexterity of a bowl of spicy clam chowder and that we had burned ourselves on the soldering iron. Several times. And even if we HAD the necessary electrical engineering wizardry to manufacture our own synthetic girlfriend we probably wouldn’t get too far anyway as most of us had little to no idea what a girl looked like naked before the Internet solved that problem.

But once again, technology comes to the rescue of lovelorn geeks everywhere as the Japanese, God bless their baffling souls, have managed to make the fantasy of hordes of nerds come to clanking, rattling life, because you see…they have created the synthetic girlfriend.

Now, before you grab your…credit card…a few caveats. She’s still very prototypical–her name is “EMA,” which stands for Eternal Maiden Actualization, she can hand out business cards, sing and dance, and also features something called “love mode.”

Oh, and she’s fifteen inches tall.

As tempting as the idea looks on the surface–and best believe it’s tempting–this is a bad idea. Nerds, geeks and dorks of the world (yes, there is a hierarchy–nerds are the straight-laced logical strategy types, geeks are the down-and-dirty make-it-happen tacticians, and dorks are the grunts who do our dirty work) are already introverted enough without being further enabled by the concept of a mechanical lover-droid keeping them further locked in the house. We can do better than DEVICES! We can do better, and we deserve better too!

Geeks of the world unite.

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