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Seriously. I would love it–LOVE it–if some enterprising horror buff judge out there could put up a restraining order keeping Zack Snyder from going within fifty feet of a zombie movie. After the hash he made out of the Dawn of the Dead remake, it’d definitely be worth it. Especially since his NON-zombie fare like Sin City and 300 went so well. Well, about as well as can be expected, anyway, but still, wildly better than his zombie movies.

Which is why I started seething the second I heard about Army of the Dead.

You may think that I’m overreacting at this point. You may even be applying the Pizza Principle, saying that zombie movies are like pizza: even when they’re bad, they’re still pretty good. And you’d have some limited truth in there–it’s true that there are very very few zombie movies that don’t at least average mediocre.

But check out the weak sauce synopsis for Zack Snyder’s newest Cruel and Unusual film (the joke there is, I’m not kidding. That’s the name of his production studio, Cruel and Unusual Films.)

Basically, something happened in Vegas and there was this huge outbreak of these zombies that were killing people… So to contain it they basically contain Vegas…One of our characters goes in there to investigate and gets trapped inside and her father goes in to search for her. He can’t do it alone so he gets a group of mercenaries under the guise that there’s money still in the casinos, because they don’t care about his daughter…What’s important is tone. Like ‘Dawn’ has fun but it never makes fun. It’s different than the tone of 28 Days Later, those films are super serious. I think ‘Dawn’ had a little bit more fun with it and we’re hoping to have a similar tone in ‘Army.’”

See what I mean? Actually, the more I read it, the more it looks like a weird hybrid of all three of his big movies–Dawn of the Dead, Sin City, and 300. And the more I read it, the more I expect the worst. Zack Snyder and zombie movies just don’t mix. But for zombie movies done right, well, you can’t go wrong with Romero’s Dead Series–and the Dead Series trivia on Kwanzoo.

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