If you’ll excuse me, I need to rant for a little bit.
So, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had a baby. I’d forgotten they were married, probably because Ashlee Simpson looks like she’s about 13. For that matter, so does Pete Wentz. It turns out they’re both older than I 
am, but given that she obviously still shops in the Juniors section, I think she deserves to be treated like a teenager. If only there was some way to determine a person’s “Emotional Age” definitively enough to use it for driver’s licenses and such. Not that it would prevent Ashlee and Pete from having kids, I’m just saying it would be good for society.
What might have a more direct effect on this case is not allowing people - especially celebrities - to give their kids stupid names. Lest you imagine that my title is a joke, sadly, it’s not. Bronx Mowgli Wentz. For real. BMW.
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(That weird purple lightning hit my Internet lines again this morning, and sure enough, there was fresh mail in my inbox from the Office of the High Gofer.)
To The Minions of The Magnificent Galactic Overlord Xenu At Columbia Pictures on Prison Planet Euarth:
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Back in May, a new highly exclusive club called the Crown Bar opened in Hollywood. Since then, it’s gained quite a reputation for turning away the type of clientele that probably shouldn’t be turned away from anywhere - paparazzi have captured one particular doorman turning away some recognizable faces, 
including, most recently, Seth MacFarlane.
Currently the highest-paid T.V. producer in the business, Seth was on his way to enjoy some of the perks that come with being filthy rich - until the doorman turned him away. Luckily, TMZ’s ever-vigilant camerafolk were there to catch the moment, and Seth turned to them in frustration and struck up a conversation. Soon they began egging him on to repeat “giggity giggity,” the catchphrase of Glenn Quagmire, one of the many “Family Guy” characters that he voices. When Seth finally obliged, something seemed to click with the doorman - and he invited the multi-millionaire into the club.
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This is one of those pictures that needs no introduction.
(Yes, that is Michael Phelps in the hat.)
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You know, I generally approve of Samuel L. Jackson. He’s a solid actor who’s done a lot of good work, and by all reports, he’s not one of those celebrity assholes you’re so constantly hearing about. At least, he’s not in any reports I’VE heard.
I even enjoy referring to him as Sam Jack, mostly because I find it oddly appropriate. But when I heard about his strange celebrity crush...well…I confess to some bafflement.
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This is one of those stories that is very sad in such a strange way, that you’re not sure whether to laugh or 
cry or make inappropriate jokes. I usually do all three just to be sure. But it’s hard, because I think we’ve all been through an obsessive teenage stage where we fantasized about developing a close friendship (or more) with a celebrity. Can we really judge Paula Goodspeed?
I’m not sure if her shared first name with Paula Abdul is just a bizarre coincidence, but what we do know is that she’s been obsessed with the pop star/American Idol judge for years. She appeared on Season 5 of the show, and her audition tape has been circulating on the Internet. Most people say you can tell she’s unabalanced, and yeah…you can. Read more…
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You can go ahead and scratch that question mark, assuming that these recent reports are true. There’s no way to be sure, but I believe it, because there are a lot of crazy people in the world, and it makes sense that a surprisingly high proportion of celebrities would be crazy. These are people who enjoy being famous, after 
all.
Madonna has established a pretty good reputation for herself, and a lot of it hinges on her being, well, unhinged. She practices Kabbalah, a religion that seems to attract solely unhinged celebrities (it’s the next Scientology!) and every few months a few disturbing fact surfaces. This is the latest, and it’s really, really…unhinged.
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The day of aggressive weirdness continues unabated as I read today that some random stranger in Korea ran out of a pet store one afternoon and gave Paris Hilton a dog.
Why? Who knows! Even SHE doesn’t!
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The housing market is tough. People have mortgages they can’t afford, and they’re not sure who they’re making payments to anymore. Those seeking to buy a first home are having unprecedented trouble 
qualifying for a mortgage, and people who work as real estate agents are quickly losing their commission-based income. I suppose it’s not quite as bad as it could be - we’re not all living in straw huts just yet - but, basically, it’s a good time in history to have no investments and no immediate plans to buy any property. So I’m doing pretty well.
And, you’d imagine, celebrities are pretty safe too. They typically have a fair amount of liquid assets. (And I mean that literally, any self-respecting actor under 35 keeps at least ten cases of Everclear in their pool house.) Most celebrities own the kind of houses that will never lose their value, because they have like 43 bedrooms and look out over the nearest body of water. Also, if they’re really classy, they have one of those pools that pours over the edge and makes it look like the pool just goes on forever. I love those.
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A lot of a discussion around Barack Obama’s acceptance speech last week focused on how he looked. He looked happy, at first. Later, when waving for the camera with his family, he had a serious, pensive 
look about him. Why, some people wondered, didn’t he keep that smile going? After all, it was a joyful time. He had made history.
Was he just tired, or did he not realize the cameras would be following him so closely? Or was his heart heavy with the knowledge that, all too soon, he’d actually have to start being president?
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