Now I’m getting scared.

Really scared—check out this quote about David, an upcoming film “inspired by true events”:

“I wanted to bring horror back to it’s roots like horror in the 70’s when they set out to really scare you psychologically. David is a cross between The Amityville horror and The Changeling. This isn’t the going to be the typical MTV style of horror of today with lots of quick cuts and loud noises to make the audience jump. David is all about slowly building the suspense factor then climaxing to a really disturbing final act. It’s the kind of story that burrows deep under your skin and stays with you long after you left the theater”.

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Thank you, Blockbuster Video. Thank you for sheltering our fragile little minds from events and depictions that just might warp them. Thank you for being parent, guardian, and Big Brother to legally emancipated adults over the age of eighteen who SHOULD be able to watch whatever they damn well please, you miserable sons of—-

Oh! Hi! Didn’t see you there. Well, you came in on sort of the back end of the party, so let me fill you in on why I’m screaming vitriolic fury at Blockbuster Video this week.

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You’ve got to love Stacie Ponder…one of AMC Monsterfest’s biggest new voices keeps pumping out the interesting stuff, and this time, she’s got a great piece on some of the great closing lines. From Halloween’s “It was the Boogeyman” to Friday the 13th’s “He’s still out there!”, there’s lots of good ones on her list, even some slightly lesser known stuff like Session 9.

But of course, I’m not just here to kiss Stacie Ponder’s tukhus—I think she’s missed a couple good ones, and so, I’m going to be nice enough to fill in her list, and cover her catastrophic losses.

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Perhaps the biggest new egomaniac in Hollywood is Darren “Dead-Horse-Beater” Bousman, the man whose career would be virtually nonexistent without the Saw franchise.

As you may know by now, Bousman’s newest project—which defies all logic by involving Paris Hilton in a singing role—is called “Repo: The Genetic Opera”, and is garnering all sorts of strange and baffling testimonials, especially from people involved in it. This of course isn’t what you’d call a real bell-ringer in terms of quality, and perhaps worse yet is Bousman’s own evaluation of the work, including: [Read more →]

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Join me! Join me in the hilarious fun that is Herr Doktor Uwe Boll’s career!

You’re not going to believe what this guy’s doing now—he’s apparently sued actor Billy Zane, whose career is pretty well minimal too, for a reason so preposterous that it’s beyond all logic and reason. He’s suing Billy because Bloodrayne flopped.

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By now, most of us are probably familiar with Jason Voorhees, legendary badass teenybopper-chopper and terror of the great outdoors. He’s been called everything from a crusty little kid to a walking morality play and everything in between.

But one thing you have to say about Jason Voorhees is that his history is complex, deep, and frequently contradictory, as was a similar observation from Stacie Ponder over at the AMC Monsterfest blog.

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There are days when I’m just totally convinced that Hollywood has the short-term memory of certain breeds of hamster. Following the summary demotion of Midnight Meat Train, part of Clive Barker’s Books of Blood series, from major theatrical release to direct-to-video sludge-pile comes the announcement that there will be FOUR MORE installments of the Books of Blood series.

Listed titles so far will include nigh-pedophiliac romp “The Madonna”, “The Book of Blood”, which will feature the mutilation of a pseudo-psychic by a series of ghosts who turn said pseudo-psychic into a living book by carving words into his flesh, a strange sort of Saw-knockoff (even though this likely came first) called “Dread”, and lastly, a truly incomprehensible Clive Barker masterwork called “Pig Blood Blues” apparently involving people who transfer their souls into pigs so they can live forever.

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No question about it - Michael Bay is not a good filmmaker. From Armageddon to Pearl Harbor to Transformers, he’s pretty much committed himself to moderately successful brainless big-budget action movies. But you have to give him credit for this: at least he’s not Uwe Boll.

Uwe (which, I’m told, is pronounced “oo-vay”) is a trained boxer and occasional filmmaker, whose work is, by all accounts, offensively bad. Pretty much everybody on the internet has heard of him, partially thanks to the negative publicity generated by the massive comedy website Something Awful. The founder of this site, Richard Kyanka, was challenged to a boxing match by Boll after posting negative reviews of his films. Boll successfully beat him down, proving once and for all that he is a much better boxer than filmmaker.

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Once upon a time, calling an actress “multi-talented” was redundant. Singing and dancing were often the minimum requirements for being a success in show business, and any additional talents could only help. But with the increasing emphasis on realism in film, being able to play a part convincingly took precedence over showmanship.

Now, those actresses who bravely venture into other media are almost a novelty. And Scarlett Johansson, bless her, has decided to join them.

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Every single news site has been buzzing with this story in the past few days. It’s a Hollywood rags-to-riches story - Seth MacFarlane, the creator and talent behind shows Family Guy and American Dad, watched his first show live a hand-to-mouth existence on FOX, being canceled twice before massive DVD sales finally convinced the network to keep in on board permanently. And now, after months of negotiations, MacFarlane has finally sealed a deal that will make him the highest paid writer-producer on television.

Reportedly worth over $100 million, this new deal commits MacFarlane to the network through 2012, in charge of Family Guy, American Dad, and upcoming FG spinoff The Cleveland Show. According to Paste Magazine, the writer/director/producer/actor was low-key about his success. “I get a lot of pleasure out of making shows. It’s a bonus to be getting paid well for it, and it’s a double bonus to be getting paid exorbitantly for it.”

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