Yes, please, stop screaming! I hear you! A lot of you are genuinely honked off about the whole Transformers thing. Megatron’s got the wrong voice! Where’s Prowl / Soundwave / the rest of the Constructicons! Bumblebee’s not supposed to be cool or useful and his name’s really Goldbug anyway now after he changed it back in the comic! If I hear one more cry of “they’re stealing my childhood” I’m just gonna snap. Seriously.

But First, Some Background

Guys, I was like six when Transformers the cartoon came out, all right? I understand my Optimus Prime and Megatron and even my Galvatron and my Unicron. Shockwave was a legend in the comic book but somebody misread the script and made him the most callow schmuck on earth for the series. I too enjoyed David Willis’ “Transformer Dumbass” columns before he lost his mind and came out with “Shortpacked”. It was an adaptation, all right? Take it for what it is. No, it’s not totally faithful to the comics or even the cartoon. Sparkplug Witwicky had better things to do than tend to his lawn. Ratchet should have been a white ambulance. Plenty more gripes exist.

Giant. Robots. Fighting. Is This Not Good Enough For You People?

You see that line above? That was the point of the Transformers movie. Let it be, man. You realize there’s going to be yet another animated version of Transformers coming out somewhere around Christmas on Cartoon Network? It’s been recast and reenvisioned and reimagined and re-rerere’d so many times that it really doesn’t have a specific canon any more. The canon from your—from our—childhood is not the same as the canon going on right now. Let’s just leave well enough alone, huh? And to prove your Transformer chops, transform and roll out to the Transformers movie trivia on Kwanzoo.

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