So the reviews are coming in for recent teen-rave vampire drama Twilight.

Despite the spectacular grosses it’s brought in so far, it seems that the audience is calling the whole thing rather anemic.  And this poses a rather interesting problem for movie studios.

For background, let’s take a look at some quotes:

Phil Villarreal of the Arizona Daily Star, who will likely NOT be getting a box quote, said:

I’m glad I saw Twilight for one reason: It made the phrase jump the shark obsolete, to be potentially replaced with The vampires are playing baseball.

See, yeah.  it’s that kind of thing that made an already shaky premise even more unlikely.  A goodish number of folks, myself included, saw this thing coming and read the synopses and such and said, wow…this is like CONCENTRATED fangirl bait.  This is for chicks what Planet Terror’s Rose McGowan with a chain gun leg was for guys.

Diva Velez over at MightyGanesha has clearly been reading my work, because apparently, Hollywood’s master plan is becoming steadily more obvious.

Surely someone in power must’ve seen Twilight for the hackneyed and blatant attempt to cash in on the devotion of a diehard following it is and said, ‘Boy this is awful, but it doesn’t really matter cos it’s gonna make bank.’

Yes indeed.  Congrats, Diva–you found the master plan.  Make bank at all costs.

Maybe the worst blow of all: when even MTV thinks it sucks.  Dig the word from Kurt Loder:

…It’s a fleeting reminder of how much dumb fun is missing from this oddly neutered neo-horror movie, and how little is being offered in its place. In “Twilight,” the only characters drained dry are the vampires themselves.

Oh, OW.  MTV thinks it sucks?  That’s the infinite depths of space calling the kettle black right there.

And of course…you know the crew out at Film Threat had to hate this poor little bastard.  They asked one great question, and gave one great answer:

Q: When is a vampire not a vampire?
A: When it goes out in daylight, sees itself in a mirror, doesn’t drink human blood, and still manages to suck.

And there you go.  The big problem.  The hate-on for this thing is MASSIVE.  Can a movie survive as a franchise (rumors say it’s looking to go all the way to number three, making me wonder if we’ll be getting Romero-esque timestamps with it.  Will the next one be “Midnight”?) if it’s managed to galvanize the fans AND the critics together into a steaming mob of hate, while only the target market relentlessly stands by it?

I guess we’ll find out soon enough, but for the good of filmmaking, I hope the niche approach Twilight takes is proven out of whack.

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