Uwe Boll–Almost Over Now….
Perhaps the greatest cinematic tragedy of our era is a man named Uwe Boll. This person—and I use the term person begrudgingly—has been responsible for a great many movie travesties. House of the Dead, for example, or Bloodrayne, or even In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale—all of these are excellent examples of the kind of slop that Uwe Boll has subjected us poor, poor audience types to. Now…word is, he’s having a horrible time finding investors to make his brand of godawful movies, which is not a surprise as pretty much everything ever released anywhere ever with the Uwe Boll name attached to it is a red flag the size of Zimbabwe.
But, apparently, we haven’t quite seen the end of Uwe yet as he’s still got a couple movies left that he completed and didn’t release. Try the trailer here.
One of these last-ditch relics is a film called Tunnel Rats, a war drama of some sort that claims to be the first Uwe Boll film released in America that has nothing to do with video games. Though the trailer looks to have some redeeming graces, it’s still not enough to get me past the suspicion attached to an Uwe Boll film just by being an Uwe Boll film. Call it prejudicial if you must—because it is, kinda—but I just call it a case of three or four times burned, next time shy.
But what definitely won’t burn me is the Uwe Boll trivia on Kwanzoo, which is vastly ahead of the movies themselves in terms of quality.
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I saw Bloodrayne on DVD at Target the other day. I could draw up a better cover in Photoshop in about half an hour. It’s not as bad as Halloween III, or Alaska, but it’s pretty bad.
Probably not as bad as the movie, though.
Hey now…show a little respect. Sure, Halloween III was a departure, but tell me that Silver Shamrock song didn’t get stuck in your head.
I’m just talking about cover art here. The back synopsis was written by a fifth grader. That’s usually a decent indicator of what kind of movie you’re in for, and I think it applies pretty well to Halloween III…but that’s beside the point.
Bloodrayne’s cover just gives the impression that it’s a movie nobody wanted to put any effort into producing on home video, almost to the point of being ashamed of it.