A while ago, I wrote an article speculating on why vampire stories had died out. In general we find vampires perennially interesting; they combine the best of horror and sensuality, appealing to all of our prurient interests. At the time, Stephanie Myers’ “Twilight” series hadn’t reached its current fever-pitch and HBO’s “True Blood” was but a distant whisper of a rumor. Now, vampires are back in full force.

It’s a captivating legend that can be twisted any way you like it. Immortality, drinking blood, fangs, promiscuity, fear of garlic, fear of religious symbols, death by stake - you can take what you like, leave the rest behind, and spin your own tale. Author Charlaine Harris did exactly that in her Southern Vampire Mysteries, catching the attention of Six Feed Under creator Alan Ball. The first novel, Dead Until Dark, became the nearly-complete first season of the new HBO series “True Blood.”

And then we have “Twilight.” I no longer have the luxury of spending hours reading young adult fiction. I barely did it as a young adult, and I’m sure as heck not turning back to it now. It’s all rubbish, and no matter how sexy and amusing vampires might be, it’s just not worth it to plough through four novels, each as thick as my arm. I’d rather donate a pint of blood to my local vampire.

Back in my fanfiction-writing days, we had a term called “Mary Sue.” It was basically a catch-all term for any annoying female protagonist (they’re always female). The idea was that Mary Sue was a stand-in for the author, and while this wasn’t always strictly true, they all shared common traits that are easily recognizable.

Now, “Twilight’s” leading lady is named Isabella Swan. Bam. Mary Sue name. I can’t put my finger on exactly why; maybe it’s because it sounds like a fake princess name I would have invented at age eight. Edward Cullen, meanwhile, the lead vampire, is a shameless fantasy creation that I would have loved when I was twelve. Meyer cites Gilbert Blythe and Fitzwilliam Darcy as influences - from Anne of Green Gables and Pride and Prejudice, respectively - and I’ll be the first to admit that I still get the warm fuzzies when I think about Anne and Gilbert and Darcy and Elizabeth. But that doesn’t mean I need to recreate them in my own book.

It is easy to make fun of the “Twilight” series, for this and many other reasons. Readers speaking about the final book, Breaking Dawn, often admit to having been sucked in by the initial adolescent fantasy but now find themselves disgusted by it. Reviewer Jilly on GoodReads issues this warning to teenage boys: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1162543.Breaking_Dawn#

Guys looking to date girls of that generation should beware however. If you don’t sparkle in the sun, devote every step you take and every move you make to her, and like to watch her sleep, you might not have much of a chance.

And “True Blood,” as much as I enjoy it, is basically just “Twilight” for grown-ups.

Sookie Stackhouse fits the “unusual name, persecuted, special powers, love interest for every male in her vicinity” mold of the typical Mary Sue. And Bill? Bill is the ultimate chivalrous fantasy guy. Though he has his faults, and the storytelling is much more dark and adult, the basic idea is the same. It’s just escapism. As much as Alan Ball has tried to package it as searing social commentary, it’s…not.

I’m not going to sit here and make the case that a show like Buffy the Vampire Slayer was perfect. But somehow, amidst the humor and wacky premises and all the flaws that it had, it was about as good as a vampire story gets. The harsh realities of a human dating an immortal with a lust for blood were dealt with in a very capable way by its writers, and I guess that’s what I’ve been craving. So far, nothing doing.

But I guess this is better than nothing.

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