We all remember the rolling horror that was high school. We all know that cliquing is as alive and well today as it was ten or twenty years ago. We all know that surprisingly little has actually changed, except when it comes to picking on the loser kids because these days that might start a small shooting war.

Hollywood, meanwhile, has decided–does it have any other options?–to take the low road in all this and exploit the concept to death and beyond. So today, let’s all shudder and die a little inside as we go back to high school with two movies I still wish didn’t exist: Mean Girls and Clueless.

Croikey! Hoigh Skewl Girrls Ah Suuuuuure Dayngerous!

And for all of you going “ooh, too soon!”, suck it up. The spinoffs have had spinoffs.

There’s a lot of reasons to hate Mean Girls. Blah blah blah, home schooled kids are gawky and socially inept, blah blah, cliques cliques cliques, blah blah, Lindsey Lohan, blah Tina Fey can’t write her way out of a paper sack blah. Maybe some of you are already starting to sputter, but I suppose it’s a fair trade to let a crackhead play the lead actress in a film written by a Saturday Night Live writer. You can decide for yourself just which case is the more pathetic.

Meanwhile, Mean Girls launches itself gleefully over every single cliche it can find–all the ones I’ve already listed plus a few more I’m sure you folks at home can find. It’s not like they’re hidden real well. Say what you will about the film–I’ve already said plenty!–but the sheer proliferation of “Saturday Night Live” cast members in it suggests that something is seriously wrong here!

It’s a Title And An Accurate Review All In One!

or, Let’s Hear It for Efficiency!

Clueless. What an absolutely perfect title for a movie about a bunch of brainless spoiled Beverly Hills trash whose sole purpose in life seems to be consumption. Because we just couldn’ t get enough of that sort of thing back in 1985. Too bad Clueless was released roughly six years too late to get in on the “Me Decade”. What happened, Heckerling? Couldn’t quite bring together the spectacular forces of both lackluster psuedololita actors (Alicia Silverstone, sweetie, I’m looking at you) and a script with more holes than a pair of fishnet stockings in time? Or maybe you just didn’t want to step on the toes of the legions of other movies set in Beverly Hills. Probably couldn’t even get in line for a permit before June of 1989.

But anyway, if you’re looking for reprehensible titles guaranteed to insult your intelligence and bore you to tears at the same time, then Clueless is just the title for you.

In a land where the worst thing that could possibly happen is a lost credit card (at least to the “beautiful” people), and schoolwide peace is just a couple empty gestures and a two-hour matinee away, movies like these do very little to actually observe the common condition of modern-era high school students and instead set up a ludicrous fantasyland no one can actually, you know, identify with.

Waste your time with these at your own peril.

And if you already have, you’ll have a leg up on the competition on our Mean Girls movie trivia and Clueless movie trivia waiting for you.

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